


Turns out Doc sucked Grif's dick.

by Strudelgit



Series: Hinky Alien Magic [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, Tower of Procreation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 23:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6588082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strudelgit/pseuds/Strudelgit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Tower of Procreation Scandal, Tucker finds it his mission to figure out who everyone banged. Wash wants him to go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Turns out Doc sucked Grif's dick.

“So?”

 “What?”

“So who’d you bang in the TOPS??”

“...I am not talking to you.”

Tucker would just _not_ let this go. For _anyone_ . He’d been hounding the entire base about who’d they’d banged since the whole fiasco went down, giving some people approving nods and high fives (The lieutenents all were in a big orgy pile together apparently, _without_ Polomo), and howling with laughter at others (Carolina had apparently _dented_ Simmons’ cyborg arm). The Tower of Procreation Scandal (or the T.O.P.S., as it was so charmingly known as), was mostly a source of embarrassment for everyone involved.

It was incredibly funny, then, that the most sex-obsessed, libido-driven person on the planet was completely unaffected by the orange shockwave. Turns out being the chosen wielder of a magical sword key also shielded one from alien attempts at population control, who knew? Tucker had spent the time locked in his room with an absolutely revolted Church, growing more and more bitter about all the sex he wasn’t having; he wasn’t so much of an asshole that he’d take advantage of a hormone-hacked city.

He was, however, enough of an asshole to make fun of everyone about it afterwards.

Which brings us to Tucker following Wash around, nagging him about who he stuck his dick into. Or onto. Really, none of his business at all. Wash is cleaning and polishing his rifle (and yes, Tucker already made that joke) in his room, with Tucker leaning against his desk, when the aqua soldier unfortunately strikes gold.

“Man, if you’re being this uptight about it, then it must have been someone _really_ embarrassing.”

Now Wash has been doing a great job not letting Tucker get a rise out of him so far, but he can’t help but sputter at that. Tucker narrows his eyes and leaps for the kill.

“Oh man. _Oh man!!_ Who was it!? Was it Doctor Grey?? No wait... she was banging Kimball... You were out on patrol that day, weren’t you? Grif was out that day, _did you fuck Grif!?”_

Which is when Grif conveniently walks by the open door and calls nonchalantly from the hall, “No, I was on the East Route. Doc sucked my dick.”

“Oh.” Tucker frowns thoughtfully, while Wash tries to immediately scour his brain of any Doc-or-Grif-related nudity, then slowly grins like he’s figured something out. “Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe. _Maybe_ you’re all freaked out... Because it was someone really hot!”

Wash puts down his weapon and gives up trying to keep a straight face and ignoring the thorn in his side. He rests his head in his hands and tries not to think about how Sarge’s face and beard and _tattoos_ _hadn't stopped being attractive_  after he’d come back to his senses. And, Jesus Christ, didn’t the universe think he had enough problems with his stupid crush on Tucker? Now they had him lusting after a man over a decade his senior?

The universe does not take pity on him, and Tucker does not shut up. “You banged Volleyball! Didn’t you! She was on patrol with you! Holy shit man! Talk about the jackpot! That girl’s got legs foreveeeeerrrrrr!”

And maybe there is a special bond between people who were all sex-whammied together, because Tucker thinking lasciviously of Wash banging Volleyball feels wrong and uncomfortable. And even though Tucker would get bored of the idea, and move on and find someone else to mock, Wash can’t just take the easy way out this.

“It wasn’t Volleyball.”

 “Well? Jesus, dude, I’ve gone through like the whole list by now!” Tucker taps hit foot all annoyed-like. “Unless like, you fucked like Sarge or Lopez or Church or something.” 

Wash looks up to Tucker and waits for the realization to hit. It takes a minute. Tucker’s eyes shoot wide.

“No.”

Tucker gapes.

“No friggin’ way.”

Wash waits for it.

Tucker laughs so hard that he passes out.

 

 

  
Not from lack of air or anything (though he gets close to it), but because Wash punches him right in his stupid, pretty face.

 

 

 


End file.
